my disease

I waste a lot of time these days. I’ve always been successful at concealing my laziness, my knack for allowing time to drown in my presence. The main problem is that I revel, for quite a considerable amount of time, in the feeling of accomplishment for completing even the smallest task. It’s the time of digestion that is so stretched out, idly consuming past completions. This morning I went through some papers (which is the most abhorred task to me), wrote some checks and paid some bills. After that, I felt like I had completed enough mundane responsibilities, so the laundry and dishes piled up, and my computer screen was blank for the majority of the day.

It’s not as if I spend my “wasted’ time sitting around watching television, eating bon bon’s and gossiping. Nor do I spend a lot of time sleeping. In fact, it is just the opposite- and that is exactly why my laziness and procrastination hides under a mask. I’m openly hyper. I’m so hyper and easily distracted that I can’t focus on anything for a long period of time, even watching a movie is difficult these days.

I’m usually so mentally exhausted from thinking. I spend so much of my days contemplating everything, from the universe to the petty. Parts of the day are rationed for philosophical meanings and cerebral discoveries and the other half is spent on thinking about nonsense. I think about everyone I know in one entire day. People may think that I do this out of boredom, but that isn’t the case because no matter how busy I am, my mind will be running the rat wheel, paralyzing the rest of my being. I desperately want it to slow down, but it won’t.

I always made fun of ADHD, but what if I have it? It sounds like I do, it feels like I do.

What I dislike most about the prognosis of such a disorder is that it is “remedied” in such a careless fashion; swallow a pill.

I believe that when there is something wrong (and wrong being classified as a condition that debilitates normal healthy functioning of mind, body and soul) every resource should be thoroughly utilized before submitting to a pathetic pill that merely stalls a symptom. I say this because usually the “wrong” is derivative of an inner ailment. There is something wrong on the inside that needs to be worked out, perhaps something spiritual?

No, I am not about to run off to some man-built, holy rolling, bible-thumping church- that is not what I meant by “spiritual.” What I meant was something of the spirit.

Then, part of me wonders why there are so many modern psychological “conditions”. Perhaps we are part of such a society that embraces self obsession. Perhaps I spend too much time thinking because I what I should be doing is helping someone else. Why am I spending all of this time thinking about instinct vs. condition or fate vs. coincidence, when there are people in this world that have nothing to eat for dinner?

Escapism

Now I just feel guilty.

I’m so aware of my emotions that they have become magnified. It’s like staring at your pores, eventually they seem huge…and scatter through your once-decent face like a disease.

What was my point?